We meet again, Pegleggington Bear!

Late last week you taunted me. Despite your calm demeanor I knew there was fear in your tiny chocolate-graham body. I decided to make an example of you by biting off your left leg. Maybe it should have been your right.

You were far too agile for a cripple and you dove back into the haven of your posse. You made a lucky escape, but now we face each other again. I can see that you have grown increasingly evil. Probably plotting my destruction. Perhaps you plan to choke me. Maybe you have been swimming in poison. Still, I'll take that chance in order to do away with you forever, my nemesis.

Had you read Moby Dick, you'd have known that Ahab died.

Letter to the editor...

Dear Mr. Editor,

I would appreciate it greatly if you would return my coat. It was particularly windy and I did not appreciate your rather rabid clutch-theftery of it. Your motivation for taking such an item is confusing to me. Do you think fashion will somehow make up for your deteriorating face?

My walk home was very uncomfortable and I would like you to know that I had a tough time getting into my apartment without my keys. In the future, should I decide to view microfilm, I would like you to kindly consider not trying to eat my flesh.

Sincerely,
V. Shatner

Some people are just rude...

You know, some people have a lot of nerve. Today I was downright assaulted by a tube-top wearing hussy of a zombie. I was politely waiting for a number of torsos to drag themselves out of the way of my shopping cart when the woman in question decided she would just come up behind me and try to nibble my ear. How dare she!? I mean, seeing as a studly fellow such as myself could never be mistaken for single, she must have just assumed I have loose morals or something. Maybe she thought her own devilishly good looks could win me over.

Personally, I don't really find gangrene to be all that appealing. Luckily I was in the aisle containing alcohol and antiseptic spray. The latter of which performs nicely for driving away pesky she-zombies.

Sorry, Frenchman...

I assumed you were one of them because of your pasty visage and your unintelligable ramblings. The hearty guffaws just startled me and, well... now you're dead.

I guess I wasn't the only one left.

I know I'm cruel...

Still, a chuckle escapes my mouth when I see a small zombie-tot wearing a Spelling Bee badge. Nothing like little Ms. Best-speller-in-first-grade being completely unable to utter a single word of English.

Speedbumps...

I'm about eighty percent sure that when the traffic laws for my state were decided upon they weren't planning for masses of foot-dragging fiends from Hell and their unstopable jaywalking. I've had to take a number of liberties in my own adaptation of rules set before the fall of the civilized world. For the most part I like to abide by the 'law.' Stopping at crosswalks is no longer my top priority, to say the least. I find accelerating to be the better approach.

In other news, it's incredibly hard to find a good steak these days. I stopped by the supermarket to pick a few things up on my way home from a day of head 'sploding. I was greeted by a jolly, rotund fellow who I will refer to as 'The Butcher.' He has a variety of cleavers that he has not forgotten how to use.

I ate cereal for dinner. We will meet again, Butcher. Oh yes, we will.

A situation befitting a cheesy movie...

So there I was in the middle of the movie theater. Without any kind of warning my ears were bombarded with the ridiculous sound of warning sirens. Where they came from is still a little unclear.

Long story short, everyone in the city is dead. On the bright side, they haven't lost their knack for walking around and feasting on the living.

At first I was a little put off of the whole idea. I mean, the movie got horrible ratings and everything, yet I still went to see it. I should have known when the theater was completely empty. I should have somehow equated that to doomsday, but I let it slip by. On the plus side, had it been a better movie, I guess I'd have a bunch of misfit companions at this very moment. You know the kind; they may have looks that make you say 'Self, I do believe the rest of my life will be ok!' But then you get into a sticky situation and who panics? Yeah, the person you're relying on.

Before you know it, your sexy but useless companions are being killed off one by one. In the end, being the good-natured guy, you risk your life to save one and sure enough... Zombie BuffetTM. What thanks do you get for saving her life? Last-billed. Thank you very much, but I can do without that honor.